Day 3777

ᎣᏏᏲ. ᏙᎯᏧ? Hey, welcome back!

It’s been 31 days since I last posted. It’s been a crazy 31 days. I’ve not accomplished a lot of what I set out to do. I’ve got in some small exercises, but nothing like I planned. I never get done whatever it is that I have planned.

There is no shortage of “no matter what I do I don’t lose weight” going on. I’ve restricted calories. I’ve worked out intensely. I’ve done both. In the end, the only time I’ve ever just dropped weight was following “The Potato Diet” for lack of a better title. I ate nothing but potatoes for 2 weeks and dropped a lot of weight. I can analyze why I didn’t lose more weight. I can scrutinize every decision. I can even have regret. The problem is it doesn’t change anything. The only thing that changes anything is action.

It’s been a few days more than 2 months since I stopped working out nearly every day. I still have most of my VO2. I can still run up stairs and not get too winded. Most days, however, I still make working out a low priority. I make eating better a low priority. When I do it, I go all out. I work out hours a day. I eat only good stuff. Then three months later I slide back. It starts with “it’s only one day” and that ends up 10 years down the road. I mean just go back and check out my posts from 2012, 2013, or 2014 when I was doing a bunch of stuff.

Here’s the deal. I need to figure out why I stop. In the past, it’s been stress. My body knows that under stress if I eat a bunch of crap and don’t workout I’ll get what I need to do, done. The thought is I’ll spend time doing the things I need to do. I can’t convince myself that working out and eating better will reduce the stress, to begin with. And it’s not really stress as it is anxiety that causes stress. Such as not missing a deadline or not being able to figure out some problem. Sometimes it’s that I’m working out and I get sick. I have been running a bit ragged, but I need to figure out the underlying thing so I don’t hit this again.

I have dealt with this my whole life. I wasn’t a fat kid. I had a morbidly obese mother and father. At a young age, I was acutely aware of my weight. If I got over 160-170 I would not eat for a week or two and drop back to 150. I worked out all of the time. I rollerbladed, played hockey, and climbed trees. I did a ton of activites. But I was always aware of two things in life: I was poor and my parents were bigger. I also would binge eat. I’d go days or more without eating much – not on purpose – then I’d find something and eat it all… not just some, but everything. I didn’t feel bad about doing that when I was a kid. I didn’t understand the why, but I didn’t feel bad about it. It was just something I did. It was almost like if I didn’t eat all of it then, then I wouldn’t get to eat for a while. I’m not saying we ever ran out of food. I am saying that I ate like I hadn’t eaten in months and might never be able to eat for months. At one point, my parents found out that they could take us, kids, to one of the several buffets and we got to eat free so that’s what we did.

I gained some weight from high school until Iraq. I went from 155 up to 190 and pretty much stayed in the 190 range until after Iraq. I remember getting to 215 before Iraq and that was pretty devastating. But when I deployed to Iraq I was between 175 and 190. March of 2004 I got up to 222 then 2006 I would go to 235 and by the end of 2006, I would be 260. I’ve only seen 260 pounds twice since. From there I have been between 270 and 336. The last several years (since 2018 – so 4 years). As a matter of fact, remembering back, every Memorial Day I go through this exact scenario. I complain that I need to lose weight then I do and then by August I’m back up then I do it again in October. And again in January. That’s weird. It’s cyclical.

I can only guess that I deployed from Ft Leonard Wood to Kuwait on the 23rd of May 2003 and that was Memorial Day weekend – which I never realized until just now. I thought I had forgiven myself for the patients I had lost. Maybe I haven’t. Maybe that’s what I still need to do. Maybe my parents being larger is something buried deep that my body is like “that’s what is supposed to happen.” Maybe I’m just lazy and don’t want the willpower it would take to lose the weight. Or maybe after 30 years of drinking Coke (and other soft drinks) from cans and bottles I have high levels of obesogens. I don’t know. What I can say is that whatever the reason I need to fix it. I need to readjust my direction.

I’m tired most of the time. I’m running ragged most of the time. I’m stressed about finances. I’m stressed about being fat. It’s not enough to just chill and not let it all bother me. That’s good to say; it does not work in real life. Maybe I have to treat this like an addict would, one day at a time. I mean it was easier to quit smoking than it has been to workout and not eat crappy food (even if it’s just a little crappy food). When I think about just 15 minutes that’s a lifetime when you’re working out and don’t want to. I need to go back to 5-minute workouts every hour or so. That worked pretty well in the past. I’d go pee and get in a workout. I think, for now, though I need to just focus on losing weight. I’m not going to get anywhere if I’m trying to do it all. As Penn Jillette said “lose the weight first then you can build the muscle because it’ll be easier to workout when you’re smaller” or something like that.

I think that’s going to remain my focus for now. Treat it like I’m an addict and lose the weight then focus on working out to get stronger. My goal is going to be to get below 300 pounds in 2 weeks. I’m at 323 right now. By July 1st I’d like to be in the 260 range. That’s a bit unrealistic unless I do like 5 miles of walking a day and eat almost nothing. Which is possible. I could do it. I think I need to start with not eating and then add some minor cardio. For now, I’ll stay focused on consciously not eating sugars and losing weight.

Until next time. Dodadagohvi. ᏙᏓᏓᎪᎲᎢ.

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