W6D5

I haven’t done very well blogging my status since I quit juicing.  My weight has gone up a bit and seems stuck between 265 and 267 right now.  That’s probably about normal considering I probably eat 4 pounds of food a day, but it’s still a bit of a bummer which also means that I’ve not been as interested in pushing b/c I feel like I’ve hit some sort of plateau.

I’m eating about 1000 calories a day and working out about an hour a day – but I still feel like i’m stuck at 265-267 when I should be 259; and that’s messing me up pretty bad.  It shouldn’t, but it does.

I’m insanely hungry right now – and extremely tired.

I had a horrific night last night where all of the energy I was directing at writing came crashing into no energy, no drive, and no will to push forward.  I’m done.  I’ve been done once before where I was broken to the point that I didn’t care anymore.  I’m there again after 5-6 years.  I’ve been trudging along hauling the world like Atlas climbing a mountain.  People keep packing it on top.  Until last night, when I dropped nearly everything.  I was so tired and done last night that if I could’ve figured out a way to have a moving company show up and pack everything I have to put into storage I would’ve done that and moved out last night.  Moving forward doesn’t seem to help me out; and carrying everyone else doesn’t help me out.  I don’t want to do it anymore.  I will, but I don’t want to.  I would rather sell everything I have and take my car and drive to some place like the Florida Keys, sell my car, then fly to the Grand Cayman and live on a beach collecting cans daily to pay for food or massaging feet of tourists to pay for the alcohol i’d need to consume to forget about everything.  For the first time in many years I not only wanted to go back to Iraq, but I tried to figure out a way to do it.  It’s crazy, to me, how much I miss a place I never wanted to call home; it’s more real to me than where I’m at in life now.

I’m just done.  I want to quit.  I remember wanting to quit before – AIT and BCT.  All I had to do was say I wasn’t going to keep going and I could’ve done anything else.  I wouldn’t have been proud of myself, but I wouldn’t have been doing the 15 mile runs or the massive sprint and running drills that I was sure were going to kill me at 5 am after the run.  I just wanted to stop.  At least with BCT and AIT there was an end date – something that said “after this you’re free”.  I don’t have that end date right now.  There’s nothing driving me forward except my kids and even then I can’t give them or make everything that I want to with them.  I’m driving deeper into depression that until last night I hadn’t seen in weeks or months.  I hate that my creativity phase where I get fully involved and sprint in my project (usually writing or filming) has gotten interrupted only 4 days in.  I’m so depressed that I don’t want to write at all.  I’m quite lost at the moment.  I spend so much time doing things to make other people happy and appease others and holding everything together – it’s times like this that I just want most of it to go away.  I want all of the stuff I didn’t ask for to go away I’m tired of holding it all together.

In not so depressing news, my last workouts I have been pushing harder than before.  I feel like the workouts are great, but even then I’m hitting a point where I don’t want to workout – so I’m going to force myself to workout and push through.

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