W1D2 – BABC

The seal has been broken – now it’s my turn.

I did really well after 60 days fo juicing.  I dropped to 260-263 and felt great.  I maintained that for 3.5 months or so.  Then I got back on the drink (Dr Pepper this time) and gained what I lost back in a month and a half… no joke.  I’m back up to 283-285 depending on the day.

Most of my issue is that I’m lazy.  I know it and you know it.  Actually, that’s not true.  I’m not lazy.  I just never put me first.  In the last couple of weeks I put together a workout plan and eating plan (not a diet) that will last me for a long time.  The first 8 weeks are just kicking my ass then I settle some workouts down to maintain.  I started yesterday, though this is my third day riding my bike during the morning conference call – i have nothing to do during those calls except pray for death so I might as well pray for death while actually dying.

My plan
5 min pull-up plan every hour from 8am to 5 pm – basically a few dips, some incline planks, a couple jumping jacks, and a few jump ropes.
Cize w Shaun t daily
Pull-up Program/Feel Good Full Body schedule daily
Ride bike 30 min during morning phone call
Eat correctly
Drink a minimum of 8 8oz glasses of water
Meditation or Tai Chi and some Yoga – 10-20 min
write in blog – weigh daily; measurements once a week; pictures every 2 weeks

That’s it.  So far, it’s been easy to follow and perfect for me.  Alright, that’s a lie too.  I don’t fucking meditate or do yoga and my tai chi is karate chopping the youngest kids like an older brother egging his younger brother on… they love it fuckoff #imtheparentnotyou.  Ok that’s a lie too – I haven’t gotten to meditation/tai chi/yoga yet this week.  However, the rest is real.  Getting away from my desk once an hour has helped me think a little better.  My mind feels a bit more relaxed at the end of the day and I feel a bit more relaxed.  I’ve managed to fit in 105 minutes of regular workouts within my day and not blink about it with an optional 30 more minutes if I want it – but I don’t…I’m good thanks.  I gave at the office.

The last time I was in this position, I said I wouldn’t let myself get to 285 again.  I did.  My size isn’t like it was – maybe I have 25 pounds of poop that needs to come out.  However my body is heavier my size is only marginally bigger than it was in February.  I’m happy about that.  I’m also happy that my weight gain has followed my regression back to soda.  I eat really well.  I could’ve gone back to eating Taco Bell and crap food.  Instead, I chose to drown my pain in Dr Pepper (not Coke so that’s also a bonus).

Finally, I was talking with another soldier, I deployed with, the other day and figured out that I don’t feel worthy.  It didn’t occur to me that I was engaging in self-destructive behavior (Coke, Dr Pepper, cycling between training and losing weight then cycling off and regaining) – now I recognize that behavior and I understand it to be survivor’s guilt.  I don’t feel like I was worthy to come home when others didn’t and I thought they should have.  That was a pretty big “find” for this last week.  Since I admitted that it’s been much easier to not pick up, let alone put down, a soda and it’s been much easier for me to make time for myself to workout.  Food has been my comfort as well.  I eat and feel good.  My brain still thinks I’m back at 260 (also a good thing) – I’m done not being able to ride my bike to keep up with my kids and being too heavy to climb the rock wall.

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