I’m going back to daily logging. I use myfitnesspal to log my food and workouts, but I have no accountability so if i don’t workout then i have nothing out there that holds me to keeping on track.

I have grown tired of the constant back and forth with myself. I’ve been keeping regular track of my weight since 2008 and blogging about it since 2012. It has occurred to me (before) that I am killing myself with food. I get to a point where I’m happy with my progress and then what do I do? I eat butterfingers, caramellos, and reeses peanut butter cups until I get back to where I started. Earlier this year I realized that I wasn’t taking care of myself because, I thought, that I had survivors guilt. Some go into a hypertraining state – I went into a hypotraining state and hyper eating state. I believe I’m literally trying to kill myself with food by staying fat so I don’t have to pull the trigger, but wait for a heart attack or stroke to just end it. I advocate for suicide prevention and here I am killing myself. Since I hit that thought again on Friday night I’ve done much better. I had some candy on Saturday and I drank a lot on Saturday night. I haven’t had any cravings since Friday.

I say I’m tired of regret and not doing what it takes to feel better; subconsciously, my brain has been telling me I need more pain and suffering.

Today, I start a water fast. I’m planning 5 days and see where I’m at Friday night to see if I’ll continue on.

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